Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize