my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I am one with the molecules
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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