someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
