just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
