A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
