FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
