I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
