a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
