Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
