Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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