If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
