final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
