So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I skipped work to stalk him.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
