I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
