I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
