Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Randomize
