he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
