Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
