I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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