Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
