life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just gift wrapped bread.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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