I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
