if i can run in heels then i can drive
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
