This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
