she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
