Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
