i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
