I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
