Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
