I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
