Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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