Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
