She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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