Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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