dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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