if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
