I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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