my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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