How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
