Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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