apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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