Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
