who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
