Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
