i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Alive.
So much puke
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
soo... how was my night?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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