once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
