On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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