Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
we're so committed to being not committed
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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