So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
