Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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