my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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