he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
