I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
where are my eyebrows?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
