I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
