I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
