i already hear my dad disowning me
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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