Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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